Lost-in-Jozi

Just plain disturbing

2010-01-19T15:50:00.000+02:00

New Years Resolution, update

2010-01-19T13:10:00.000+02:00

I have successfully made it nineteen days into the New Year without smoking another cigarette.
I did not buy an emergency backup packet, I stopped buying altogether. Aha! You say, suspiciously, that does not mean you didn't stop bumming a smoke! Gotcha!
I look at you with disdain: Nothing, nada, zip - no smokes!

Look, I nearly cracked yesterday. I sat in a never ending meeting yesterday, arguing about the best font to use in a presentation... yes, I know, boring!! As the meeting hand not ended after two hours without a decision being made, I started hallucinating that the skinny blond next to me looked just like a very long Marlboro Menthol.
I seriously considered sneaking out to join the smokers out on the balcony, even if it was just be sneak a few passive second hand inhales.

I DID NOT!

We eill see how long i can hold out. Giving up smoking is easy: I have done it many times!

Batman & Robin, not!

2010-01-19T12:52:00.000+02:00

How do you spell dumb?

With a permanent black marker, according to the police chief of a small Iowa town where two men allegedly used a marker -- instead of a mask or stocking -- to disguise their faces before trying to break into a home.

"They were being dumb and, combine that with alcohol, and it was the perfect storm," Carroll Police Chief Jeff Cayler told CNN.

His officers were responding to a call about an attempted burglary when they pulled over a car matching the suspects' vehicle.

Inside, they found two men with their faces blackened with permanent marker. Police said the caller had described two men with painted faces attempting to break into an apartment last Friday night before driving off.

Matthew McNelly, 23, and Joey Miller, 20, were arrested at gunpoint after officers were told they might be armed. Neither man had a weapon. McNelly and Miller were each charged with attempted second-degree burglary. Both men were released after posting bond.

"We're very skilled investigators and the black faces gave them right away," Cayler joked. "I have to assume the officers were kind of laughing at the time. I've never heard of coloring your face with a permanent marker."

Cayler said police believe one of the alleged burglars targeted the home because he suspected his girlfriend had a relationship with the man who lived there.

"They probably were just not thinking straight and figured we'll go out and scare the guy or whatever," Cayler said.

"I've been chief here almost 25 years, been with the department 28½ years and I've seen a lot of things that make me laugh and weird things but this was probably the best combination of the two -- strangely weird and hilariously funny all at the same time."

WWJD, updated for the revolution

2010-01-14T13:27:00.000+02:00

My son went a religious phase a while ago, wore the wristband with the acronym WWJD, and went around checking everything he did after muttering 'What would Jesus DO' evertime he had to make a decision.

I think that the ANCYL should come out with a similar marketing plan, with a wrist band, with the acronym WWJD (what would JULIUS do) in the ANC colours, and hand them out at the entrance to every COSATU and Young Communist League meeting.

Maybe after reflecting on what Julius would do, and doing the exact opposite, our YOUTH (all curiously over the age 0f 30 - what is the cutoff date for adulthood in the ANC I wonder) will be able to stop making total dicks of themselves.

Bye bye Bugs Bunny

2010-01-13T09:55:00.000+02:00

Time magazine sometime runs weird articles:

The Swedes may be warm, but they are not warm and fuzzy. This fall, authorities rounded up 3,000 wild rabbits and then burned them for fuel at a heating plant in central Sweden. Bunny-killing is an annual practice in Stockholm — it's used to combat overpopulation in the city's extensive network of parks — but the animals had never been used to heat buildings before this year. "The bodies contain a lot of fat, and fat has exactly the same energy content as normal heating oil," explained Leo Virta, chief executive of Konvex, the company handling the bunny-burning. Supporters said that since the bunnies were going to be culled anyway, using them for fuel was both economical and environmentally friendly. Unsurprisingly, Swedish animal-rights activists were not convinced.

Beyond the call of duty

2010-01-13T09:36:00.000+02:00

I just heard of a PA that clearly was very attached to her job...or is maybe just totally fucking nuts.

Her boss was on his way to the airport to catch a business flight. Traffic being what it is, he is running a bit late. He contacts her to confirm the departure times and tells her he is afraid that he may miss the flight.

Miss PA, being the helpful type, calls in a bomb threat to the airline. Her logic being, a bomb scare will create a delay, and Mr Boss will obviously not miss his flight.

Never mind that the authorities can and did trace the bomb threat to her work phone.

Makes you wonder.

Metamorphosis,

2010-01-12T14:09:00.000+02:00

Something very creepy happened to me this afternoon:

I turned into my father!

or maybe it was a rather a case of me doing a John Edwards, and chanelling the old fart, seeing that he died in 1994.

I caught myself telling my teenage son:

"turn that crap music down! It's way too loud! What the hell are you listening to?"

A cold chill ran down my spine, as soon as I heard that phrase. I heard the same sentence in 1977, when i was listening to my Bad Co LP's. all that was missing was the phrase: it's the devils music!
(LP's, for those of a reduced age, are those funny large black vinyl magodies in your fathers garage that nobody listens to , but no one dares to throw away).

Darwin Awards 2009

2010-01-12T09:00:00.001+02:00

The city of Dinant is the backdrop for this rare Double Darwin Award. Two bankrobbers attempting to make a sizeable withdrawal from an ATM died when they overestimated the quantity of dynamite needed for the explosion. The blast demolished the building the bank was housed in. Nobody else was in the building at the time of the attack.

Robber One was rushed to the hospital with severe head trauma; he died shortly after arrival. Investigators initially assumed that his accomplice had managed a getway, but the second bungler's body was excavated from the debris twelve hours later. Would-be Robbers One and Two weren't exactly impoverished--their getaway car was a BMW.

These suckers clearly needed a trip to South Africa first. We have world class ATM bombers, who would only be too glad to share their skills in the hazardous occupation. You kinda feel sorry for these two: a clear case of more bang for your buck?

Smurf

2010-01-11T15:30:00.000+02:00

I always thought this was a cartoon character. Saw this picture on MSNBC. WoW! He apparently overdosed himself drinking colloidal silver. silver?WTF!

New Year's Resolution: 11 days in.

2010-01-11T13:08:00.000+02:00

I decided to stop smoking on the 31st of December 2009. From smoking a packet of 20 a day to zero has been a struggle: I have had to throw everything in the house away that could possible be used to light a cig. The problem with that approach is that since I live on a plot, subject to the vagaries of summer thunderstorms and ESCOM supply, i am buggered when the power goes out: I can't light a single candle, or light up the gas bottle to boil a pot of water for tea! I thought to myself, mmm what to do? what to do? how do I light my smokes when i could not find my lighter or a box of matches? Obvious: use the toaster. Only one problem: toaster is electric. shit! fuck! what now? All kinds of devious thoughts run through my mind like a hamster on a treadmill. Only solution: sit and wait...or rather go to sleep, and be shocked awake when the television blares you awake at two in the morning after the ESCOM technicians decide that they can now throw the switches back on!

High School: the next generation

2010-01-08T15:17:00.000+02:00

My son starts High School next week. This is a double whammy to my mental image of myself as still being young. Shit - I can remember my first day in High School as if it was yesterday... at boarding school at Dale College in the Eastern Cape. Now my son starts his secondary education... with the matric results coming out last week, I am not particularly confident about his possibilities in the South African educational system. Then again, taking his sheer bone-idleness and obsession with World of Warcraft, I should not bluff myself. The kid worries me!
He told me last week he wants to be one of two things when he 'grows' up:

a) work for Microsoft and design games. (wtf!)
b) become a surgeon. mmmmm. i ask him why a surgeon? He informs me he just spend the school holidays watching 3 seasons of 'Grays Anatomy' and the girls are cool. boy, does he have a surprise coming his way!

Only in America

2008-09-30T12:26:00.001+02:00

Next time, just stick with the $9 soda.

A Manhattan judge has thrown out an Upper West Side man's lawsuit against a movie theater that sold him a bag of popcorn with an unpopped kernel inside.

Steve Kaplan, 46, said he fractured his tooth when he chomped down on the kernel, causing $1,250 worth of dental damage.

Kaplan popped off to the theater and demanded it pay for his dental work.

"Confounding plaintiff's expectations, defendant refused to pay anything," said Civil Court Judge Matthew Cooper, who denied the claim, finding that Kaplan, an insurance broker, knew the risks when he ordered the snack.

"Anyone who has ever made fresh popcorn in a microwave, in a popcorn popper, or on the stove soon learns the bitter truth that the final product is almost always marred by the presence of unpopped, partially popped or burnt kernels," the judge wrote.

"Until such time as the same bio-engineers who brought us seedless watermelon are able to develop a new strain of popping corn where every kernel is guaranteed to pop, we will just have to accept partially popped popcorn as part and parcel of the popcorn popping process."

Kaplan was attending a late showing of the raunchy teen comedy "Superbad" at the AMC Lincoln Square Cinema on Sept. 17 of last year when he bit into the kernel.

"Approximately, 20 minutes later, he left the theater because his tooth hurt and, he added, because he found 'Superbad' to be a 'terrible' movie," the judge said.

The theater maintained it wasn't to blame for the rogue kernel.

"At trial, the theater's manager explained how a special slotted popcorn scoop was used in the concession stand to eliminate as many unpopped kernels as possible," Cooper wrote.

"The manager testified that, despite these efforts, it was impossible to serve a bag of freshly popped popcorn where all the kernels were fully popped."

Kaplan contended the theater should at least have had a sign warning of the perils of popcorn, but the judge refused to bite.

Cooper did offer some kernels of wisdom.

"So what is the popcorn-craving moviegoer to do to guard against dental damage, short of bringing a flashlight into the theater to inspect each kernel for possible hazards? One thing may be to resist the urge to devour the bag by the handful in favor of more cautious nibbling by the piece," he suggested.

"The other thing may be simply to say no to popcorn, with its tooth-fracturing potential, and settle for something else from the concession stand, like those giant-sized boxes of Raisinets or Milk Duds. But then again, aren't Milk Duds known to pull out your fillings?"

Kaplan declined comment.

Only in America

2008-09-30T12:26:00.000+02:00

Trouble!! (part4)

2008-09-30T11:56:00.001+02:00

Trouble!! (part3)

2008-09-30T11:50:00.001+02:00

Trouble!! (part2)

2008-09-30T11:49:00.001+02:00

Trouble! (part1)

2008-09-30T11:48:00.002+02:00

Ma, this Chinese milk tastes salty!!

2008-09-30T11:44:00.001+02:00

A really mean-looking catfish

2008-09-30T11:32:00.001+02:00

Just when you thought it was safe to get back in the water

2008-09-26T18:01:00.003+02:00

If you're plain, don't sing in the Olympics

2008-08-13T11:37:00.001+02:00

The Ultimate Remote control

2008-07-04T15:06:00.002+02:00

Wtf?

2008-07-04T15:03:00.002+02:00

25 Things Cat-Lovers know

2008-07-04T15:00:00.000+02:00

Here is a list of 25 things that cat-lovers know, but won't admit.

- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

- Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

- Dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

- A cat's motto is no matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

- A cat bites the hand that won't feed it fast enough.

- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

- Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.

- Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

- Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.

- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

- I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.

- I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

- In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.

- On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.

- One cat just leads to another.

- People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

- Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. It's all true, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

- There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

- When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.

- You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.

Really sick?

2008-07-04T14:56:00.000+02:00

An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning:
"I'm sorry, but I'll not be able to come in today as I'm too sick."
On hearing this his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and retorted in a rage:
"well, just how sick are you?"
"Well" the employee sighed, "I'm in bed with my sister!"

Just for Mother

2008-07-04T14:53:00.000+02:00

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Looking at this hurts my eyes!

2008-07-04T14:21:00.002+02:00

This could get ugly...

2008-06-27T15:39:00.000+02:00

Laws of Golf, revised, reviewed & updated

2008-06-27T15:35:00.001+02:00

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

Birds of a feather...

2008-06-27T15:30:00.000+02:00

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.” He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time.” “Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.

“The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’shouse. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots wereinside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have somefun?”There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot lookedover at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away,Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

Elementary, my dear Watson...

2008-06-25T11:55:00.000+02:00

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?” Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theo logically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you idiot, Some fucker has stolen our tent.”

Dating Etiquette

2008-06-25T11:44:00.000+02:00

A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: “Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don’t let him do that.

He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don’t let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. It will disgrace the family.”

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: “Grandma, I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced His family…”

Granny fainted….

Shitting: the Definite Guide

2008-06-24T19:03:00.004+02:00

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK shit is inevitable. For those of you who hate shitting at work as much as I do, I give you the…
Unofficial Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.

Memorize these definitions and farting at work will become a pure pleasure.

Escapee
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with Escapee)
Definition: When forcing a fart, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

Courtesy Flush
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the shit log hits the water and the shitp is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the shit has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

Walk of Shame
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

Out of the Closet Shitter
Definition: A colleague who shits at work and proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Shitter enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Shitter before entering the bathroom.

The Shitting Friends Network
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency shitting goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Shitting, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

Safe Havens
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a shitter of your sex entering the bathroom.

Turd Burglar
Definition: A shitter who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

Camo-Cough
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

Astaire
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the shitter can shit in peace.

Watermelon
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

Havana Omlet
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

Uncle Ted
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Fly By
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other farters. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Married men and Golf

2008-06-24T18:59:00.000+02:00

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following
conversation took place:
First Guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every
room in the house next weekend.

Second Guy: That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build
her a new deck for the pool.

Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has
not said a word. So they ask him, You haven’t said anything about what
you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?

Fourth Guy: I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut
off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, ‘Golf Course or Intercourse?’
So she says, Wear your sweater.

Don't you just love New Zealand?

2008-06-24T18:57:00.001+02:00

Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he
sees and asks, What is your IQ? to which the man answers, 241. That
is wonderful!, says Albert. We will talk about the Grand Unification
Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, What is your IQ? to
which the lady answers, 144. That is great!, responds Albert. We can
discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!
Albert goes to another person and asks, What is your IQ? to which the
man answers, 51. Albert responds, How about them, All Blacks?

Why is Fishing better than....?

2008-06-24T18:55:00.000+02:00

When you go fishing and you catch something, that’s good.
If you’re making love and you catch something, that’s bad.

Fish don’t compare you to other fishermen neither.
And don’t want to know how many other fish you caught.

In fishing you lie about the one that got away.
In loving you lie about the one you caught.

You can catch and release a fish. You don’t have to lie, and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

You don’t necessarily have to change your line to keep catching fish.

You can catch a fish on a 20-cent frozen squid.
If you want to catch a woman you’re talking dinner and a movie minimum.

Fish don’t mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

”Who’s he going to tell?”

2008-06-24T18:52:00.000+02:00

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won’t be able to go to work.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ”Are you really going to let him get away with this?”

”No, I guess not,” says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn’t bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, ” Why did you let him do that?”

To this God says, ”Who’s he going to tell?”

It's a dogz life!

2008-06-24T18:47:00.003+02:00

Windows revised

2008-06-24T18:44:00.001+02:00

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned new version of Windows:

* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

*This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

*Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”

*This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world. Please log off.”

* Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

*User Error: Replace user.

*Windows VirusScan 1.0 - “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”

*If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you
and all your future creations. Doesn’t it feel nice to have
security?

*Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Reading for the Aged

2008-06-24T18:40:00.001+02:00

If Vernon Koekemoer moved to Louisiana

2008-06-24T18:36:00.005+02:00

Some hard fax

2008-06-24T18:32:00.000+02:00

2008-06-24T18:15:00.000+02:00

sunshine

2008-04-01T16:27:00.000+02:00

Gugulethu Geyser

2008-03-10T20:26:00.001+02:00

I hate Mondays

2008-03-10T20:23:00.000+02:00

Men are like Coffee

2008-02-12T01:37:00.000+02:00

Thank you, Lord!!

2008-02-12T01:35:00.000+02:00

Girlfriends

2008-02-12T01:34:00.000+02:00

Shit for brains!

2008-02-12T01:31:00.000+02:00

In your Face!

2008-02-05T01:26:00.000+02:00

Who brought the cat?

2008-02-05T01:24:00.000+02:00

New Research

2008-01-29T01:08:00.000+02:00

Research in South Africa has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant
neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since
Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected,
because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally
take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 5 years; It does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass
will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more
morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical level of
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical
morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element
that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as
many peons but twice as many morons

Even the King of the Jungle comes home late...

2008-01-21T11:55:00.000+02:00

I hate Mondays!

2008-01-21T11:52:00.000+02:00

The eternal question:- finally answered.

2008-01-21T09:45:00.000+02:00

Roadsigns for the Married

2008-01-21T00:00:00.000+02:00

Really cheap Panelbeaters

2008-01-18T02:37:00.000+02:00

Security has been upgraded at Sandton City

2008-01-18T02:22:00.000+02:00

Kitty Boom-Boom

2008-01-18T02:20:00.000+02:00

When you downgrade your Medical Aid...

2008-01-18T02:18:00.000+02:00

When a cat person goes overboard!!!

2008-01-17T02:20:00.000+02:00

Just after the Riviera Road offramp

2008-01-17T02:17:00.000+02:00

Rolling blackouts..we can't moan!

2008-01-16T03:41:00.000+02:00

Most of Albania without electricity

January 16 2008 at 02:03PM

Tirana - The Albanian power grid collapsed Wednesday, leaving almost the entire country without electricity, local media reported on Wednesday.

The national power company Kesh announced that the problem affecting "every corner of Albania" may last several days.

A former Communist country with 3.6 million inhabitants, Albania is still plagued by a chronic shortage of power leading to regular blackouts and brownouts whenever the temperature drops.

The temperature in the capital Tirana was a mild 8 degrees Celsius on Wednesday morning. - Sapa-dpa

Watcha doing?

2008-01-15T10:53:00.000+02:00

Yeah, right!!

2008-01-15T10:51:00.001+02:00

Time and gravity...

2008-01-15T10:50:00.001+02:00

Bye-Bye Teddy

2008-01-15T10:48:00.000+02:00

Down Under

2008-01-15T10:47:00.000+02:00

Did you hear the one about the nun, the bishop and...

2008-01-15T10:46:00.000+02:00

A Boob too many!

2008-01-15T10:44:00.000+02:00

Latest edition: PC games for Girls

2008-01-15T03:10:00.000+02:00

Relationships

2008-01-14T11:54:00.000+02:00

If men wrote advice columns

2008-01-14T11:51:00.000+02:00

Eish!!

2008-01-14T11:49:00.000+02:00

With compliments, Johannesburg Roads Agency?

2008-01-14T11:48:00.000+02:00

Ready. Aim. Fire!

2008-01-14T11:46:00.000+02:00

blowing bubbles

2008-01-14T11:43:00.000+02:00

Baby Jets stick close to Mama

2008-01-14T10:25:00.000+02:00

No shit, Sherlock!!

2008-01-14T10:22:00.000+02:00

W.I.F.E.

2008-01-14T10:15:00.000+02:00

One handed boxing

2008-01-14T10:04:00.000+02:00

I was very bored late last Friday evening, and could find nothing, but nothing to watch on TV. Switching between channels, I was taken aback by local boxing being broadcast on SABC2.
The programme was called "Baby Champs", and appeared to have been some kind of amateur knockout competition....four round bouts with much wild swinging and little effective punching.

What stunned me was a fight in the lightweight division. The one boxer was boxing with one hand held behind his back! NO SHIT! He boxed the entire third round with his left hand held behind his back. This display of absolute contempt drove his opponent and the audience wild!!

The ref eventually told him to box with both hands or be disqualified.

By the way, he won the fight....hands down!!!

Murphy's Lesser known Laws

2008-01-14T00:58:00.000+02:00

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, on a hill, in the fog, and 9 times out of 10, they'll have GP plates on their car....

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Through thick and thin.

2008-01-14T00:48:00.000+02:00

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?"
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck... get the "F**K" away from me."

Why?

2008-01-14T00:43:00.000+02:00

A list of the 20 most bizarre celebrity baby names.
· Kal-El - Child Of: Nicolas Cage
· Pilot Inspektor - Child Of: Jason Lee
· Fifi Trixibelle - Child Of: Bob Geldof and Paula Yates
· Apple - Child Of: Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin
· Coco - Child Of: Courteney Cox and David Arquette
· Kyd - Child Of: David Duchovny and Tea Leoni
· Sage Moonblood - Son Of: Sylvester Stallone
· Destry - Child Of: Steven Spielberg
· Maddox - Adopted child Of: Angelina Jolie (and Brad Pitt)
· Memphis Eve - Child Of: Bono
· Ocean - Child Of: Forest Whitaker
· Prince Michael II/Blanket - Child Of: Michael Jackson
· Rocket Rodriguez - Child Of: Robert Rodriguez
· Blue Angel - Child Of: The Edge (From U2)
· Audio Science - Child Of: Actress Shannyn Sossamon
· Moon Unit and Diva Thin Muffin - Children Of: Frank Zappa
· Moxie Crimefighter - Child Of: Penn Jillette
· Tu Morrow - Child Of: Rob Morrow (from the TV show Numb3rs)
· Jermajesty - Child Of: Jermaine Jackson
Not on the list is Rachel Griffith's kid, named Banjo.

Rand Water take note!

2008-01-11T10:43:00.000+02:00

Must be watching porn!

2008-01-11T10:41:00.000+02:00

A woman scorned...

2008-01-11T10:40:00.000+02:00

Going "Green"

2008-01-11T10:37:00.000+02:00

Dumping the trash, after New Year

2008-01-10T09:12:00.000+02:00

Singing into the big white phone!

2008-01-10T09:10:00.000+02:00

Who needs the Yellow Pages?

2008-01-10T09:04:00.000+02:00

You want me to suck what?

2008-01-10T03:51:00.000+02:00

If Britney had daughters...

2008-01-09T11:35:00.000+02:00

Was our new techician trained by Revlon?

2008-01-09T11:04:00.000+02:00

Haiku?Aikona!

2008-01-09T11:03:00.000+02:00

Call your broker..quickly!!

2008-01-09T10:11:00.000+02:00

Was this at the Wimpy?

2008-01-09T10:09:00.000+02:00

A simple guide...

2008-01-09T09:56:00.000+02:00

Potty training: updated for the new Millenium

2008-01-09T09:38:00.000+02:00